


The Climb Back Up To 'Okay'

by OrionRedde, Shyrstyne



Series: Cometverse [61]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Depression, Multi, Therapy, suicidal tendencies masked as self-sacrifice, working towards recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 13:29:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20154376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrionRedde/pseuds/OrionRedde, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shyrstyne/pseuds/Shyrstyne
Summary: Everything is fine for Sora. He has two wonderful partners, an amazing and supportive family, no reason at all to feel so empty.And yet.





	The Climb Back Up To 'Okay'

**Author's Note:**

> Remember how we said Sora is not okay? Yeah that's been more or less festering this whole time without Sora really realising it. Originally this came up *much* earlier, but I ended up not liking that version of the chapter much (it involved a public callout which... felt bad scoob) and it got pushed back. this one features a lot less comet, which is unfortunate, but tone wise i think this works much better.

Sora has so much love in him sometimes he feels like he might drown in it. 

Which is why it makes no sense why he feels so  _ empty _ sometimes. 

It had always been there, he supposes, though it feels as though it’s a pit that grows wider with each passing step of late. He ignores it, reasons that he’s made it this far there’s no reason he can’t do it indefinitely. He’s  _ Sora _ after all, cheerful, happy go lucky Sora. 

_ ‘No sad faces!’ _ He pats his cheeks, forcing out a smile as he wanders toward the cockpit of the Gummi ship. Wouldn’t do to crash the ship after all. Kairi would never let him live it down. 

Riku isn’t waiting for them as he lands in Twilight Town, but Sora hadn’t expected him to be; he’s pretty early. Whatever Riku comes here a few times a month for usually lasts at least an hour or two before he comes back looking tired but satisfied. Sora and Kairi had pestered him a bit after he’d come back once still trying to wipe away tears, but he’d assured them it was helping and they had allowed him that. 

Kairi has gone off to visit Lea, which leaves just Sora, who decides to see if the twins or Vanitas are around to pester. He needs the distraction right now,  his thoughts keep getting louder . 

He can’t stand to be alone these days. He’d always been a people person, but after the Keyblade Graveyard and the Lich even the very thought of being alone hurts something deep in his chest.

He gives himself a shake as he takes the steps up into Comets home, knocking for politeness but otherwise not pausing despite the lack of answer. 

He finds Van curled on the couch, a lump of black fur purring to himself raspily. He lifts his head to give Sora a look before letting it fall again tiredly. 

“You have the worst timing, brother.” He grunts. Sora feels concern worm it’s way through the pit, shifting to were form and layering himself on top of Van on the couch much too small for such a thing. 

“Gerroff!” Van paws at him ineffectually, making Sora giggle. Eventually they settle into something somewhat comfortable, if slightly awkward. 

“What’s wrong?” Sora asks. Vanitas shrugs. 

“Nothing, just tired. This therapy thing is exhausting sometimes. And with trying to explain everything with Xehanort and Ven.. I’m tired.”

“Oh.” Sora says. He’s heard Comet talk about therapy a few times, but doesn’t really know all that much about it. He can only imagine trying to explain the complexities of their lives to someone with no context though. “Did you just get back?”

“Mh.” Vanitas affirms. “Guess I shoulda figured you’d be around though, after seeing Riku on my way out.”

Sora wants to pry, he wants to pry  _ so _ badly, but refrains. He loves and respects his boyfriend, and Riku will tell him if and when  _ he _ wants to.

“How does the therapy thing work exactly? Does it help?” He funnels his curiosity in another direction. Van nods.

“Yeah. I wasn’t really sure about it, but Comet really wanted me to try it. Took a couple tries before we found someone who had any idea what to do with us. Our situation is.. Pretty unique.”

That much Sora can definitely agree.

“Elise is cool though. Before us she mostly dealt with uh. PTSD and stuff, people who still had residual memories of being heartless or nobodies that was fucking them up.” He shrugs again. “I guess there’s enough overlap.”

Sora remembers the feel of black, skittering down the halls of Hollow Bastion, following a call he could neither see nor hear. He thinks of anti-form, the pure raging emotion pouring outwards in animalistic instinct. He hasn’t thought of that in ages, his time spent as a heartless so short and so  _ much _ having happened since.

“Huh.” Is all he says, laying his head on Vanitas’ shoulder so he doesn’t have to look him in the eye.

“You’d like her.” Van continues conversationally, and Sora belatedly realises that Vanitas has all but been carrying this conversation, which is unusual for him. “She’s an optimist.”

“Aw, c’mon Van, I don’t need to see a therapist.” Sora laughs away the thought. The pit clamours for his attention. Van cranes his neck to look down at him.

“... That’s not what I said.” He says at length.

They stay in awkward silence for a while after that. Sora eventually falls into a light doze, the sun from the window is warm, and the sleepless nights catching up to him.

Eventually the chime of a phone going off startles them both, and Sora pulls it out to reveal a text from Riku, asking where he is.

“Oh shoot I’m late.” Sora jumps up, heading for the door. “Sorry, Van I gotta go.”

“Hey, Sora.” Van calls, making Sora pause in the doorway. “Between me and.. Well, Elise has a lot of experience with Weird at this point. I’m just saying.”

“Okay…? See you, Van.” Sora waves off, deciding to leave Van’s words for later consideration.

He’s Sora, after all. Happy, cheerful, dumb Sora. What would he need a therapist for?

The pit grows wider.

-

Sometimes, as is the nature of adventure, things go wrong.

It’s not the first time, it’s not even the first time  _ recently _ even, but somehow this one is different.

It’s some kind of ancient trap, built from massive vines and flora. Riku is down, hit by some kind of poison that makes his already pale skin go pallid and gray. Kairi is supporting him, which leaves Sora to hold the wicked greenery off. There’s an opening on the far side where freedom taunts them, but between Riku and the quickly moving vines, it may as well be leagues away.

And the entrance grows ever smaller.

Sora has an idea.

“When I say go, run!” He shouts, and doesn’t wait for a response before moving into action, trusting her to work in tandem with him. He grabs one particularly sturdy looking vine, ignoring the bite of thorns in his palms, and the sting of what is surely poison entering in through the cuts. He tugs it around, tying across a mass of other vines, pulling the whole blockade back just a little, creating a whole Kairi can run through.

She skids to a halt on the other side, dropping Riku on the floor of the entrance in safety, before turning and running back in.

Sora’s arms shake, the poison gray already working its way up his limbs, but he resists the urge to collapse under the pressure of the foliage. He doesn’t know how long he can hold it, or what he’ll do when he lets go. 

It doesn’t matter, as long as his partners are safe.

“Kairi no! I can’t hold-” He doesn’t get the finish as the thrashing vine manages to tug itself from his grip, thrashing violently and throwing itself at him hard. He’s bodily tossed across the area, skidding to a painful halt on the ground below.

He tries to get up, but he can’t feel his arms anymore.

“Kairi-” He sees her, keyblade in hand, facing down the plant monstrosity, and he feels fear flood his veins.  _ No! She was supposed to be safe, she was supposed to go with Riku where it was safe, not here, he was the only one that was supposed to be here- _

His consciousness fades to the sight of Kairi’s warrior shout.

He wakes to the sound of water running.

It’s a muggy sort of wakefulness, fuzzy and indistinct. He looks blearily around what he belatedly realises is their room on the Gummi ship, cluttered with clothes and knicknacks and little glow in the dark stars across the ceiling. There’s heavy, laboured breathing next to him he assumes must be Riku.

Suddenly there’s Kairi, pressing a cold, damp cloth against his forehead. It feels heavenly.

“You’re awake.” She breathes, lip wobbling. “I was so worried. I don’t know what this stuff is, but Esuna’s haven’t worked. I’m taking us to Radiant Garden.”

“Why’d you go back? The vines..” Sora can’t focus. “You were safe..”

“ _ You _ weren’t though. I couldn’t just leave you!”

“Why not?” Sora mumbles. 

“You would have died!” She cries, pulling the cloth away to wipe at her tears. Sora whimpers at the loss, wants to reach out and wipe away her tears himself, but he can’t seem to make his body cooperate. She shouldn’t be sad. It’s just him, he’s not that important.

“But you’d have been okay.”

“Why do you do this, Sora?” She pleads. “Why do you think we’d be fine if you died?”

He doesn’t have an answer.

“‘Want you to be okay.” His tongue feels heavy. “Nothin.. Nothin’ else matters… You’d be better off anyway..”

His eyes slip shut, and he’s lost to oblivion once more, heedless of the tears spilling onto his cheeks from above.

He wakes in the Radiant Garden labs, properly this time. His body still feels heavy, but it doesn’t fail when he goes to sit up.

He’s tired, but it’s no more than the sort of tired he’s always been the past few years, so he ignores it.

“Ah, you’re awake, excellent.” It’s Ienzo, standing in the doorway. He strides forward confidently, giving Sora a smile as he goes. “How are you feeling.”

“Same as usual. What happened? Where’s Riku?”

“You were assailed by a highly unique type of flora, who’s poison was strangely resistant to most conventional cures. Kairi brought you to us with little time to spare, though I’m happy to say you’ve both pulled through admirably.”

Sora heaves a sigh of relief.

“Good. Where are they? Can I see them?”

“Of course. They’re just in the next room.” Ienzo points which direction, and Sora hops off the bed with a grin.

“Great, thanks!” He gives a wave and trots out the door.

He peeks in the door nearby and brightens seeing Riku sitting up in bed. Kairi is curled next to him, fast asleep in fox form. Riku lifts a finger to his lips in warning, and Sora just grins in return. He settles on Riku’s other side. There’s not enough room to lay down with all three of them on the small bed, but he can lean lightly against Riku, just to feel him there.

“How’re you feeling?” Sora whispers. “You got hit worse than me.”

“I’m fine, just gonna take me a bit to get my strength back.” He answers, just as quiet. He runs a hand across Kairi’s fur. “Kairi told me what happened.”

“What do you mean?” Sora asks, tilting his head. Riku frowns, and seems like he’s debating what he should say next.

“You wouldn’t have gotten out of there if Kairi hadn’t gone back for you. Surely there had to be a better way.”

“You don’t know that.” Sora protests. “And it turned out fine, see?”

“This time, yeah.” Riku’s frown grows more pronounced. “But…”

“But what?”

“Sora do you.. Feel like your life is worth less than ours?” The question is quiet, hesitant. Sora blinks.

“Of course not, that’d be dumb.” Sora forces a grin, closing his eyes so he doesn’t have to meet Riku’s.

“It’s just..” Riku reaches out to take Sora’s hand tightly in his. “Me and Kairi were talking and.. This feels like a pattern. Where something happens, and you sacrifice yourself. Physically, mentally, emotionally. And it worries me Sora.”

“Aw c’mon Riku, I- I’m not like that-”

“Really, Sora? Because that’s not how it looks from here.”

“Wha- Riku, don’t you trust me?” Sora leans away, hurt. Panic flashes across Riku’s face and he holds Sora’s hand tighter despite his attempt to pull away.

“I do, I do trust you Sora. That’s not what I’m trying to say.” He effuses.

“Then what  _ are _ you trying to say?” Sora says, perhaps more sharply than he’d intended. “I shouldn’t help you guys when you’re in trouble? Just let you get hurt?”

"No!” Riku gives up on being quiet, and Kairi stirs awake. “We just don’t want  _ you _ getting hurt instead! We want  _ all of us  _ to get through this _ together _ !”

“I know! I know that! But if one of us has to get hurt, I’d rather it was me!”  _ Because I don’t matter.  _ Sora cuts himself off before the end, but Riku stares with wide eyes, and Kairi’s fill with tears, and he thinks maybe they’ve somehow heard it anyway.

“This is what we mean, Sora.” She says, voice wobbling. “That’s not what we want.”

Sora feels something bitter and empty claw at his insides, and he jumps off the bed, tugging his hand out of Riku’s despite the latter’s tight grip.

“I- I need to go. I’ll be back later.” He says, all but running from the room, the stares of his partners feeling heavy on his back.

He just wants them to be safe! Is that really so difficult to understand? Sometimes there just wasn’t any choice, and if one of them had to get hurt  <strike> or die </strike> then.. He’d much rather it be him.

That just makes sense.

He goes down a few floors, and then up a few more, wandering the halls trying to get his heart to stop racing. He shouldn’t be so offended really, his partners are just worried about him after all, that’s normal. He doesn’t want them to be though, he needs to see proof that they would be okay without him, but they won’t give it. It’s frustrating but he doesn’t know why.

Is he frustrated, or is he scared?

His steps slow.

Scared?

Why is he scared?

The thoughts all jumble together in his head, and he almost can’t parse one from the next. He ends up leaning against one of the half-renovated walls, pipe fastenings jutting uncomfortably into his back.

He just wants them to be safe.

If they’re safe, they’re happy.

If that costs his life then that’s no great loss.

He slips downward until he’s resting on the floor, holding that thought just a little too long.

Would they be happier without him?

Logic said no, they loved him, they said and demonstrated so all the time. 

The empty pit in his chest said yes, that he had nothing to offer other than some silly jokes and a warm body and just happen to be there the longest. That his enthusiasm was a lie and he was nothing but a weight on them emotionally and intellectually.

He was nothing without his friends, utterly reliant on them. What worth did he have on his own? Just happy-go-lucky, dumb, Sora. The world would move on without him just fine.

“Riku’s right.” He says to himself with dawning realisation. He hadn’t even understood what it meant. The pit in his chest claws harder with new context.

He doesn’t know what to do with that.

He doesn’t know how long he sits there, but it’s long after his limbs are stiff from disuse and his clothing dirty from the dusty floor. He gets up, dusting himself off as best he can, though it’s something of a futile endeavor. He heads downstairs, back towards the labs.

He’s only halfway there when he finds Riku and Kairi, leaning heavily on each other as they walk down the hall. Sora finds himself paralyzed seeing them, not sure what to do or how to react.

He doesn’t have to, thankfully, as Kairi helps Riku limp forward as fast as they’re able to manage and pull him in for a tight hug.

Sora feels like the pit overflow, tears welling in his eyes.

“Please don’t be angry.” Riku whispers in one ear.

“We’re just worried about you.” Kairi whispers in the other.

Sora finally lifts his hands to return the embrace.

“I’m sorry.” Is all he can get out at first. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise..”

“Tell us?” Kairi pleads.

“I don’t want to die.” He squeezes both bodies to him, as tightly as he can manage with trembling limbs. “But I don’t.. I don't feel like anything would be lost if I did, you know?”

Kairi shakes her head, but Riku presses his temple to Sora’s in a way that makes him think he knows exactly what he’s talking about.

“I think you should talk to someone, Sora.” Riku says, hesitant. “I.. I have been, for a while now. It helps, I promise.”

“Is that what you’ve been doing on those trips you won’t tell us about?” Kairi asks, and Sora’s thankful she does. His throat feels like it’s closed up on him. Riku nods.

“I was going to tell you guys eventually, I just needed some time.”

“We understand.” Kairi says. “And I think it’s a good idea. Sora.. I love you, I don’t want to be scared to go out because what if something happens that didn’t have to? What if I come home and you’re not there? You say you don’t want us hurt, but that- something like that would hurt us more than anything.”

“It’s not like that…” He says, but the words sound weak even to him.

“I think it might be.” Riku says gently. “At the very least after what we’ve all been through…. Maybe we should have done this earlier.”

“Better late than never.” Kairi’s optimism is forced but appreciated in the heavy tone of the conversation. “What do you say, Sora? Please?”

He glances between their faces, concern and love in each, hands twined tightly with his, and nods.

“Okay.”

-

Sora sits on the stone steps outside, the long Twilight sunset warm on his back, rolling a bottle between his hands.

Such a small thing.

“Sora!” A voice calls. He looks up and sees Kairi jogging towards him, Riku not far behind. He smiles, despite how tired he feels, happy to see them.

“How did it go?” She asks, kissing his cheek and sitting on the step next to him. He shrugs.

“Good? I guess. You were right, Elise is pretty nice.” He looks up at Riku, who smiles.

“She deals with Van, she has to be.” He jokes. “Seriously though, how are you feeling?”

“Tired, but not like usual. Feel like I could sleep for a week.” Sora answers, leaning against Kairi as he does. Riku nods.

“Yeah, it’s a lot of emotions to go through. Wanna head back, or wait for a bit?”

“Let’s go.” Sora nods, forcing himself to his feet. Everything feels tired a heavy, but his heart feels just a little bit lighter than it did before. Even if it was just the hope of change, it was something.

“What’s that?” Kairi asks as Sora stuffs the bottle in one pocket for safety. He shrugs, suddenly embarrassed but not sure why.

“Sleeping pills.” He answers, not meeting their eyes. “I haven’t been getting enough sleep. She said I should think about antidepressants too, but she wanted it to be my call and.. I dunno yet.”

He hadn’t slept well in years, really, and all three of them knew it.

“I think Van is on those, you could ask him about it.” Riku offers.

“Are- Did you..?” Sora stutters, not sure how to phrase his question. Riku shrugs.

“My issues aren’t really something meds can help with. Elise says PTSD and depression are pretty often linked, but I got lucky, I don’t have to deal with that. Just the occasional flashback.”

“Makes sense.” Kairi hums. It’s not a surprise really, they’ve all had to talk Riku down from one at some point or another. They hadn’t really realised that they started getting less often around the same time Riku had started disappearing for his mystery visits.

“You’re gonna come back then, keep doing this?” Riku asks. Sora pauses, thinking hard, and then nods.

“Yeah. Yeah I am. Thanks, Riku.”

“What for?” Riku blinks, surprised.

“I dunno if I’d have really considered this if it weren’t for you.” Sora admits. “I didn’t realise how much I needed it.”

“Well then, you’re welcome. C’mon, let’s go home.”

“Last one there makes dinner?” Kairi teases, but Riku catches her arm before she can make a break for it.

“Absolutely not you cheater!” He reprimands, but there’s a smile on his face.

Sora smiles. He still feels empty and heavy, but his partners love him and now that he’s not ignoring the problem there’s hope it might get better.

Somehow, that seems okay.

**Author's Note:**

> elise has her work cut out for her, but she's stubborn and dedicated. She's gotta be with clients like these


End file.
